Imagine Life as an Orange | A Cure to Your Moaning

You wake up to the roaring sound of the 6am train, loaded with unhappy passengers on their way to a job they don’t appreciate and a paycheque they constantly whine about. It wouldn’t have been so bad, you know, waking up at 6am.

You could kickstart your day, crush a workout, follow it up with a healthy breakfast & get your ripped, toned & curvaceous body ready for the day ahead. You may then choose to spend a few moments in meditation, followed by a healthy dose of gratitude & self appreciation… ‘I love you Jacques!’ 'Nawww, thanks Jacques!’

The remainder of your day will probably involve a series of problems that need solutions, no worries for this grateful son of a bitch! Your morning has set you up with the mindset of an olympic athlete, problems? pfft, you see only a challenge awaiting your solution.

Work ends, some of your colleagues stand at the door moaning about how shit their day was and how dumb the new manager is. ‘Fuck mate! I just can’t keep up with these fucking emails… Hey Jacques, mate.. you down for a beer to ease the post work blues?’

Fuck that shit! You stroll straight past, with a wave you decline the offer, ‘Not today Jerry.’ Surrounding yourselves with those who seek the positive in life is key, Jerry just ain’t fitting the profile… sorry Jerry. You hit the pool for a 2km session, follow it up with an hour of personal work & crush a king size dinner.

Your partner comes over and you fuck for an hour, each of you being honest and open about what you want from the experience. You get creative with each other, finding new ways to attain sexual pleasure. You scream, they moan, as each of you fall into a deep state of ecstasy. The climax explodes from between your legs as you both collapse in pleasure.

It’s just gone 9.30, you kiss, you pick up your book & wind yourself into a deep sleep.

It wouldn’t have been so bad, you know, waking up at 6am. Except this morning was different, this morning you woke up as a fucking ORANGE!


Jacques, what the fuck are you talking about?

Seriously though, imagine for just a moment, you go to bed only to wake up completely immobile. At some point the breeze from that passing train rolls you, ever so slightly, enough to give you a clear view of the wardrobe mirror.

You cannot believe your eyes, you my friend, are a fucking orange. Yep, the fruit. A few hours pass, you sit their wondering how this all happened. ‘What did I do to deserve this torture?’ The door opens, your flatmate! Thank fuck! ‘Jane! Help me… down here!’

Mate.. your a fucking orange, you don’t have a mouth, Jane can’t fucking hear you!

‘Ooo is that an orange, hmm. I’m sure Jacques won’t mind if I eat it.’

‘Wait… what did she say? AHHHHH FUCK!’ The next few moments are a blur of pain & anguish. Jane peels your skin from your body, cuts you into quarters & begins to eat you. Sometime during the consumption of your second quarter you black out & fade into the cool embrace of death.

So… what’s the moral of the story?


You have an amazing life! A life that you have complete control over. Sure, you have your own unique set of limitations; you may be deaf, blind, missing a limb, missing multiple limbs or you may have just been diagnosed with cancer. Should this stop you from taking control of your life?

Maybe your mum constantly exclaims how worthless you are. Maybe teachers never truly understood you, instead they belittled you. Are you stuck in a third world country with no money and no resources? Your father raped you as a child? Should any of these limitations stop you from discovering your purpose?

Should anything at all stop you from choosing to be happy?

Next time you feel as if life is unfair, consider who is in charge… You!

Next time you choose to feel overwhelmed with all the problems you have… consider all the problems you don’t have, be grateful for the good that is in your life.

Next time you want to moan and complain about all the ‘poor me’ issues you have, do yourself a favour. Stop! Chances are, none of those people listening to your ‘poor me’ story, actually care. They are most likely waiting for their chance to moan about some other pointless issue.

Next time you feel like moaning… Imagine waking up tomorrow, as a fucking Orange!

Happiness, is always your choice.
Paulo & Jacques | Massie Bros