I Feel so Insecure! 5 Steps to Self Confidence

On May 10th 1940 Hitler's Germany invaded Belgium, the Netherlands & France. The French never anticipated a large scale German attack through the heavily wooded Ardennes leaving the area lightly defended.

The Germans took full advantage driving through the Ardennes and pushing hard for the English Channel at a lightning fast pace. A movement which was soon coined the 'Blitzkrieg' or 'Flash War.' 

Belgium & the Netherlands fell quickly & by the 21st May, just 11 days later, German forces had encircled the remaining; French, English & Belgian forces in an area known as Dunkirk. Roughly 400,000 men were encircled & with the Luftwaffe (the German airforce) controlling the skies along the French coast escape seemed impossible.

Enter a has been politician with a stutter and a drinking problem but the unwavering resolve to rescue England's men. Code named 'Operation Dynamo,' and also known as 'the miracle of Dunkirk.' 338,226 men were rescued from the French coast between the 26th May - 4th June, 1940.

Over 800 boats (mostly civilian vessels) were recruited in a massive effort that saved the lives of over 300,000 men. This same man went on to spur a nation & the world on to victory against Nazi Germany.

'We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender...'

Winston Churchill against all odds held true to his promises. One man turned the insecurities & doubts of a nation into unbreakable confidence & empowering values that would carry them through the darkest hours & onward to Victory.

So you are probably reading this blog because in some way you feel insecure in your life. In your job, relationship, direction or in your purpose. I started with the story of Winston Churchill's incredible leadership to show you that insecurity & doubt can be overcome in the harshest of conditions.

In this blog I will share with you the 5 steps that I implemented to remove my own insecure thoughts & replace them with a powerful sense of self worth & confidence. Before you read on first you MUST realize one thing - You... YOU! Need to work for it! You need to want to change! Only then will change happen. 

- J -

Related - Am I successful? Better Values & Metrics for Life.


001-Stand the F*ck Up & fix that posture.

Lobsters. The majority of us think of lobsters as tasty crustaceans best served with a generous serving of butter & a sprinkling of salt. Not me... I'm allergic but that's a story for another time.

This may sound strange to you but Humans have a lot more in common with lobsters than you may think. Lobsters have been around for over 480 million years and have developed a social structure that ensures the species continued survival. 

As a male lobster enters a new territory it's number one priority is to find a suitable shelter that it can defend easily or escape to if necessary. Suitable shelters can be few and far between meaning other lobsters often stumble upon each others homes. A complex dominance ritual ensues leaving one winner & one loser.

Loser lobsters often struggle to bounce back from a loss & move into a downward spiral as they except their place at the bottom of the social structure. Loser lobsters get less/no lady lobsters, constantly get evicted from their shelters & live shorter lives.

The chemical make up of a winner lobster & loser lobster are vastly different. Winners have high levels of serotonin & low levels of octopamine. Dominant 'winner' lobsters with high Serotonin levels will have a strong posture, strutting around like they own the joint &  they will be much less likely to back down from a challenge.

Loser Lobsters, with higher levels of octopamine look defeated. They look droopy and slouched with a depressive looking posture. Loser lobsters tend to back down from most conflicts and choose instead to run.

Ladies! Don't think this blog is not for you after all this male dominated Lobster chat. Lady lobsters go through the same conflicts as they fight to protect their territories and find their place in the female social structure.

The top ladies will find themselves attracted to our serotonin fueled males as they strut their way into our females heart. Winners will get winners & for the males this means a sh*t load of mating responsibility because no female lobsters (even the losers) want to mate with our mopey looking males.

So what does this have to do with Human Beings?

Although much different in appearance, intellect & habitat we (humans) have a lot in common with our delicious lobster friends than we think. Our social structure shows a number of similarities.

If you are a high performing female or male in modern society your options become endless. Other humans fight for your attention, more opportunities present themselves to you, you have better access to the best places to live & you eat the best food. Winning humans will achieve more, live longer, have better sex & will exude more confidence. A winning Lobster!

In contrast humans with low social status will often fall into a spiral of defeat allowing their thoughts to drift into the negative as their posture droops, their love life fails & their opportunities dwindle. Addictions manifest as their health suffers. An easy comparison to the life of a loser Lobster.

So how do I become a 'Winning Lobster?'

Lobster's tend to except their fate but as human beings we don't have to listen to our primordial indicators of social stature as lobsters do. This means you can change! You are a human being with millions of opportunities and the ability to be self aware. You don't have to settle for the mundane life of a losing lobster.

Becoming the 'Ultimate Winning Lobster' will not happen over night it requires continuous work on your own mindset & it also requires you to focus ALL of your attention on achieving your goals. Becoming a winning lobster requires short term sacrifice, relentless hard work & continuous self improvement. 

But to change your mindset from a losing lobster to a winning lobster and get the process started is easy and begins with this step.

"Pull your shoulders back & stand the F*CK UP!"

Take your posture from droopy and depressing to upright and confident and you will notice immediate changes in how you feel & how others treat you. When I first trialed this simple change I was not at all secure with myself & was suffering from a deep self loathing. 

Still, I noticed a massive change in how others perceived me. People started smiling when they saw me & girls began talking back to me. People began offering me support, opportunities and work. I began seeing opportunities emerge in my radar that had otherwise been clouded by my 'loser lobster' mentality.

As others began perceiving me as confident and successful I started truly believing it myself. My insecurities began to dissappear and everyday I stood taller and taller. At 5ft 7 I have never felt taller in my life and this is after just 3 months and one simple step.

When you leave the house tomorrow make a conscious effort to strut your stuff. Don't be a dick! Just stand tall, pull your shoulders back and smile at the world.

STEP 001 - Stand the f*ck up & fix that posture!

See Also - Why am I so Afraid of Death?

002-List the Sh*t that brings you down

So your shoulders are back and you are feeling like a far more confident person. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but in order to truly remove your insecurities you are going to have to take one large step backwards.

You are going to have to open up about all of your negative values. Values that you have based your life and comforts around for a long time. It will be hard to admit to yourself that these values are bringing you down & holding you back!

You know what the hardest step will be though? Admitting these values to the people you trust and love. Opening yourself up and realizing all your flaws sucks. Sharing these flaws with others leaves you vulnerable and that is scary as f*ck! However it will also force you to be responsible for the changes you plan to make.

Alright I am ready. What do I need to do?

Get a notebook. Grab a Pen. Find a comfortable seat & turn your phone off for the next two hours. Now start thinking about all the things that aren't going well in your life. One by one list the dis-empowering values or thoughts that you associate with the issues in your life.

An example might be - "Girls/guys think I am ugly and don't want to talk to me." the true dis-empowering value at work here is - "I think I am ugly and I have no confidence in myself."

Or - "I am never offered a pay rise at work and I wasn't even considered for that promotion. My boss hates me." The true dis- empowering value at work is probably - "I don't believe I am worthy enough to succeed." If you believe you are worthy then you would ask and apply.

In your two hour time frame do the following:
-List all your dis-empowering values. (15 mins)
-In 2 paragraphs, write down all the negative impacts your dis-empowering values have/will have on your life and those around you. (45 mins)
-List all the values that currently empower you (15 mins)
-In 2 paragraphs, write down all the positive impacts these empowering values have/will have on your life and those around you. (45 mins)

Now the hardest part - share your findings with someone/s who you trust. In order to go up you need to know what brings you down.

STEP 002 - List the sh*t that brings you down!

003-Replace them with winners

I have a tough fact for you guys. You will never be perfect & you will always encounter failure/sadness... THAT'S LIFE! But, you can strive to improve everyday & you can turn your failures into wins. In my opinion happiness won't exist without sadness & being perfect would be boring as f*ck... failure and imperfection makes life fun!

See what I did there?

I took a dis-empowering thought, flipped it & made it empowering. It's that easy. Step three is a simple one. Take those dis-empowering values that you just shared & flip them around. Come up with Empowering values to replace them.

An example might be - "I am afraid of failure so I can't succeed."
Flip this over and try - "I am excited to learn from my failures because each one brings me closer to success."

Easy right?

Yeah it is easy to write it all down but harder to live by these new values. But that is a blog topic in itself. Start by flipping all of those dis-empowering values and then reviewing them every single day.

STEP 003 - Replace them with winners!

004-Lose the baggage

Have you ever gone to the gym, lay flat on your back and then yelled out to your mate - "Hey Baz! Can you put all of those 20 kg plates on my stomach?"

You haven't? I didn't think so. For starters that's super weird and secondly that amount of weight, let's refer to it as baggage, would eventually cause you harm or even kill you. So why then would you choose to load yourself up with mental baggage?

I am talking about friends. Sh*t friends (or family) that continuously bring you down & refuse to bring you up. 

Every single one of us shares a need to feel special or unique. We can achieve this in two ways;
Work our ass off to build something great or tear down everything around us so we stand above the rubble.

If the people around you are the latter and refuse to support your efforts and offer you constructive feedback or just flat out mock your efforts. GET RID OF THEM! Cut them out of your life and find people who are willing to support you. Find the builders!

How do I identify the negative people in my life?

"You can't do that bro." or "Your to old man just give up." or "You need to find a secure career and give up on this ridiculous dream of yours." Heard this from your friends before? Then I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but these people are the 'baggage' that is holding you back. 

Now you don't need to straight up burn them out of your life. Confront them first and explain how they make you feel, if they are truly your friend then they will make the effort to change and build you up. 

If they make no effort to change though... cut them out and don't look back. This is your life & your dream. Take Charge!

STEP 004 - Lose the Baggage!

5-Do It for the Latte

Did someone say Latte?! I F*CKING love lattes!

Step five involves running head first into the things that scare you & rewarding yourself every time you do. No I don't mean run head first into the jaws of a crocodile. I am talking about the things you know you have to do in order to achieve your goals but don't want to do because the process makes you nervous.

We tend to coin the avoidance of this process procrastination and often associate not doing the task with positive repercussions. Let's start with an example, this ones for you ladies;

You are sitting under a tree reading your latest novel. The sun is shining and the birds are chirping, what a beautiful day. Then, like clock work he turns up sits down and begins feeding the pigeons. It's a bit weird but you kind of think it's cute and it makes you smile.

He has been doing the same thing every Sunday for the past month and you know can see him checking you out in the corner of your eye. Sometimes you catch his eye, he smiles and waves but you freak out and look back at your book. "Maybe I should go say hi?" you think to yourself.

"Nah he probably has a girlfriend. It's best I don't" A list of excuses flood through your brain as you assure yourself that it is better you avoid the disappointment or failure.

Doing the tasks that scare us can result in failure but we know deep down that doing the task regardless of the result is going to benefit us in some way. Especially when it comes to pursuing the things we are passionate about, the stuff that gives us that 'butterfly's in our stomach' feeling.

Step five is to charge at those tasks or actions head on! In order to reassure your efforts, especially if you fail in the moment, is to reward and praise yourself no matter what the result.
For me it's a latte and a smile. For you it might be a Netflix show and a wine.

You can apply this reward system to all aspects of your life; work, love, home & sport. As you start to associate 'trying' with pleasure you will notice your self confidence begin to sky rocket. The things that used to scare you will feel easy & failure will just become another reason to try again.

STEP 005 - Do it for the Latte!

See Also - Massie Bros on Instagram!

Great! I read the whole thing, I'm feeling pumped and ready to start breeding my own self confidence. But the next few days are hectic so maybe I can just try it next week. NO! Do yourself a favour and start now! Get the ball rolling with step one.

So what if your in the train or standing at a traffic light. Stand the f*ck up, pull those shoulders back and get your head up. If people look at you funny greet them with a smile.

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Paulo & Jacques.